The Power of a Name
Why identity should be a personal choice, not an imposed expectation
Identity Is Personal—Until Someone Else Thinks Otherwise
During a House hearing on March 11, 2025, GOP Rep. Keith Self misgendered Democratic Rep. Sarah McBride, the first openly transgender member of the United States Congress. When Rep. William Keating called him out, the meeting adjourned in chaos.
The best part of the video above? Rep. Sarah McBride’s calm reply to Rep. Keith Self’s misgendering attack. After referring to Rep. McBride as “Mister,” McBride calmly responded to Rep. Self (a cisgendered man) with, “Thank you, Madame Chair.”
Watching that moment, I was transported back to a pivotal experience in my own life—one that underscores the deeply personal nature of identity and names.
The Name I Chose—and the Battle That Followed
When I was nine, my mother remarried, and we moved into my stepfather’s home. Before enrolling me in my new school, my mom asked what last name I wanted to use—my biological father’s or my stepfather’s. The choice was mine.
I chose my stepfather’s name. It was a decision rooted in the need for stability and belonging. I wanted to feel connected to the family I lived with, not to the man who had abused my mother and terrified me as a child.
At school, I became Chrissy Cieslak, even though my name was never legally changed. For a while, it was a fresh start, free from the past. But then, my biological father caught wind of my choice. He demanded I stop using my stepfather’s name. He didn’t ask why I’d made that choice. He didn’t consider my feelings. Instead, he weaponized my identity by issuing threats: if I didn’t comply, he’d stop child support payments. Worse, he told me I’d be dead to him.
Under pressure, I tried hyphenating—Christine Kamys/Cieslak—but that only created more confusion for me and for others. Friends and teachers didn’t know what to call me. When asked, I’d stammer and tell them to call me whatever they liked. People didn’t know where to place me in alphabetical lists for things like yearbooks, graduation seating charts, and party invitations. My father raged at every school document that bore my stepfather’s name. My identity, something I had briefly owned, had become a battleground.
When I eventually married, I took my husband’s last name. Wolf was simple. Drama-free. A name of my choosing, free from coercion.
Discovering My Own Identity—Again
Years later, a DNA test revealed that my biological father had fathered another daughter before me. She had never met him. She never used his last name. I wasn’t, as I’d thought, his eldest child, and I wasn’t his only offspring to use a name other than his. My entire understanding of my own identity shifted yet again.
Identity is personal. It’s fluid. And it’s nobody else’s to dictate.
The Hypocrisy of Identity Policing
Which brings me back to Rep. Self’s attack on Rep. McBride. When he refused to acknowledge her identity, I saw another man imposing his own rigid expectations onto a woman, disregarding her agency, and demanding she conform to his comfort level.
And yet, we don’t see this kind of policing across the board. Take Vice President JD Vance. Born James Donald Bowman, he changed his name multiple times. His mother renamed him James David Hamel after a stepfather adopted him. He used that name for decades, even as a U.S. Marine. Then, before graduating from Yale, he legally changed his last name to Vance, honoring his grandmother. When he entered politics, he even dropped the periods from “J.D.”
The Associated Press honors his request to be called JD Vance because, as their style guide states, people should be called what they prefer.
Yet, the same deference isn’t extended to transgender people. The same people who rage against McBride’s identity seem to have no issue accepting Vance’s name changes. Why? Because his shifts align with their comfort zone. Because his choices don’t challenge their worldview.
What’s in a Name? Ask the Gulf of Mexico
Meanwhile, the AP is also facing criticism for its handling of another identity shift—not of a person, but of a place. When Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, the AP stated it would continue to use the original name while acknowledging Trump’s decision. Their reasoning? As a global news agency, they must ensure place names are widely recognizable to audiences around the world.
This, to me, perfectly encapsulates the selective outrage over identity. People who balk at Rep. McBride’s identity or at the AP’s refusal to fully embrace “Gulf of America” are the same people who demand unquestioned adherence to the identities they find acceptable. They want control over who gets to rename themselves—and who doesn’t.
JD Vance: The Ultimate Identity Shift
And then, there’s JD Vance, who knows who he is—despite the fact that, in 2016, he openly criticized Donald Trump, describing him as "reprehensible" and aligning himself with the "Never Trump" movement. He even reportedly called Trump "America’s Hitler." But by 2021, Vance had reversed his stance, publicly apologizing for his previous comments and becoming a staunch supporter of Trump.
His transformation raises questions about the fluidity of identity and the factors that influence such profound shifts. His journey from critic to ally illustrates how personal and political identities evolve, sometimes in unexpected ways. And yet, no one in his party seems to challenge his ability to redefine himself. No one insists he revert to his former position as a Trump critic.
Identity Belongs to the Individual
I knew who I wanted to be at nine years old. Rep. McBride knows who she is. JD Vance seems to know who he is. The AP understands that words matter and that forcing an identity onto someone—or something—without broad recognition is an act of power, not respect.
Our identities — often multi-layered and even frustrating — are our own. Congress has no business dictating them.
Christine Wolf is a developmental editor, memoir coach, and the founder of Writers’ Haven, a co-working space for writers featured in Condé Nast Traveler. A dedicated student of expressive writing, linguistic psychology, and personal narrative, she specializes in the intersection of storytelling, identity, and healing.
Wolf teaches writing at Northwestern University’s Norris Center and leads Write to Heal Workshops and Retreats. A former board member of the Chicago chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists, she was also a former freelance columnist with the Chicago Sun-Times and Chicago Tribune.
She is the co-author (with Jay Pridmore) of Politics, Partnerships, & Power: The Lives of Ralph E. and Marguerite Stitt Church, a biography of one of the first 50 women elected to the U.S. Congress.
Her writing has been recognized for excellence by the Chicago Tribune, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and The Moth.
Learn more at www.christinewolf.com/contact.
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This post was refined with the help of AI-assisted editing.
Well done, and a perfect critique of the hypocrisy of the Maga "Woke," and their hypocrisy. The Republicans certainly have their own "woke" worldview, but it's the opposite of a worldview that woke originally stood for: being"awake" to the vicious attacks on anyone who's not a straight white male or not one of those sad women who support those who want to take us back to when women couldn't get credit cards without a male signature. Sounds like a less severe, but still creepy, version of the Taliban - keeping women in their place!
I love this piece. I changed my name recently, dropping my ex-husband’s even though I’d intended to keep it to share with our children. However, letting go of it allowed me to let go of grief in a way I can’t articulate yet. It also gave me a new name I feel much more aligned with. I’m happy to see it, say it, sign it, hear it and have it.